A Fan Ruins the Ending
by Loser Girl
Summary: Also titled: What would really happen if a Tolkien Fan was transported to Middle-Earth. By the way, even though it's humor.. This is NOT funny! :-P


Kristin's Sorry Attempt at Humor  
(Or: What Would REALLY Happen if a Tolkien Fan Was Transported to Middle Earth)  
(OR: A Fan Ruins the Ending)  
  
  
I bet you've all read them - the stories of people from our world getting transported to Middle Earth. Hell, I've written one. You know what I find incredibly annoying? It's when a Tolkien fan is transported to Middle Earth, because the author never seems to.. well, write it right. So here's what would REALLY happen if I, a real Tolkien fan, was transported to Middle Earth. By the way, I'm rather sarcastic to some characters. I love them all, but.. my alter fanfic ego doesn't.  
  
PS: In response to the notion that Pippin indeed has a child - I say this - I didn't mean to write Pippin! lol, I have Pippin on the brain. I meant, instead, to write that Frodo has no children - and that, of course, is true. Sorry, I'm Pippin-centered. :-D  
----  
  
  
"What the blimey?" I said as I glanced around. I was in the middle of the forest, birds chirping, the whole nine. Assuming that I had just gotten drunk and passed out in a bush, which does happen occassionally, I got up. Then, Poof! Out of nowhere came a group of nine people. Well, two of them were people, the rest were hobbits, a wizard, an elf, and a dwarf.  
  
"Oh, jesus, tell me I'm not in a fanfic," I muttered, and the guys just raised their eyebrows. "Hey, Fellowship of the Ring, where are you headed now?"  
  
"How did you kno-"  
  
"I'm wise beyond any of your knowledge. Now, shut the hell up and answer my question."  
  
"If I shut up, how can I answer your question?"  
  
"Don't start with me, Mr. I'm so mighty because I'm Isildur's heir."  
  
"Fine. We're approaching the pass of Rohan."  
  
"No, you're not. Well, you are, but you'll really go to Caradharas, because any moment now a bunch of birds are going to fly around and you're going to wig."  
  
"Wig?"  
  
"Don't talk back, dwarf boy, or I'll pull your beard."  
  
"What birds?" inquired the elf, one of the members of the fellowship I liked more.  
  
"Oh, jeez.. I know this, too. They're something from Dunland. They're spies of Sauruman, that's the point, and don't even bother to go up Caradharas, because you're just going to have to climb all the way the hell back down."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because it's too cold, Sir "Oh, look at me, I'm walking on snow"."  
  
"Oh."  
  
It was then that I noticed Pippin and Merry. Be it known that these two were always my favorite characters, so I had to do something, quickly, while I had the chance.  
  
I knelt down by them and grinned.   
  
"You know, short guys are hot." They just looked at me with wide eyes, as I suspected. After all, they're only Hobbits, and I'm a girl from the 21st century. Like they could handle me.  
  
That did get me thinking, though. If women in my world use the size of a man's feet to measure up the size of their... well, you know, then did that apply in Middle-Earth as well? And, if so, then aren't Hobbits incredibly special creatures?  
  
I stood, and, pondering this, turned to Gandalf.   
  
"You have one choice, and that's going into Moria. Now, I warn you, there will be action, some swearing, dwarf boy is going to have a hissy fit, and Frodo's gonna get hurt again. Also, you're going to fall into Khazad-Dum and duke it out with the Balrog. You'll win, though, and come back later with really way too much power, as Gandalf the White."  
  
  
They stood, astonished at my amazing amount of knowledge. Boromir looked as though he may swoon.   
  
"And then you'll go to Lothlorien. Legolas is going to wear a spiffy pair of elf-pajama's, and Boromir and Aragorn are going to have a heart felt discussion. Then, Frodo's going to talk to Galadriel. I warn you ahead of time, she's rather frightening. Oh, but then she gives you some phial that saves your life when the big spider thing attacks you in the next book."  
  
"What in the name of Valar are you talking about?"  
  
"The shish-ka-bob.. no, wait, that was lunch. Shelob, that's it. Gollum leads you to it. No, Sam, you can't kill Gollum, because later he bites Frodo's finger off. My advice, Frodo, while you still have 10 fingers left, enjoy them."  
  
There was a long silence as they stood there, in awe.  
  
"What happens to me?" asked Pippin.  
  
"Well, you get kidnapped by the Uruk-hai, but don't worry, you escape and meet these tree guys and get taller, and then meet up with everyone except for Frodo and Sam, who are probably making out in Mordor somewhere, at Isengard, where the tree guys have royally punished Sauruman. Then, you go to Minas Tirith and become this hero guy, especially when you go to battle, and then marry some Diamond chick from Longcleeve."  
  
"How do you know this?"  
  
"The family trees at the end of the book."  
  
"Oh," replied Pippin, as though that explained something. I knew, however, he had no idea what I was talking about.   
  
"What about me?" asked Boromir, his eyes wide.  
  
"Oh, sorry, man.. you're gonna die rather soon. I hope you've been laid, because dying a virgin totally sucks." Boromir gulped.  
  
"I-I'm a virgin," he admitted, and I rolled my eyes at him.  
  
"Figures. Silly mortals," I muttered, and Legolas looked slightly amused for a moment, before he went back to being serious-faced as always.  
  
"Hm.. what else? Oh, yea. Legolas almost has an emotion once."  
  
This was perhaps the most astounding peice of news.  
  
"And what of I?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"Well, you go back to The White City, and become king, and marry that stupid bitty Arwen, who took Glorfindel's part in the movie. And where was Tom Bombadil?"  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Nevermind. They also left out the part at the Barrow-Downs, which makes a little sense, because the Hobbits frolick around naked then.. and it was hard enough to get the PG-13 rating with all the orcs heads chopping off and Boromir getting pin-cusioned, and the also left out Gimli's yen for Galandriel."  
  
"I don't like elves!" the dwarf exclaimed.  
  
"Yea, right, Mr. "Oh, just give me a strand of your hair and I'll cherish it forever and ever"."  
  
By that time, half of the fellowship wanted me, and half of them wanted to kill me or worse. I, however, was becoming bored of the entire situation.  
  
"And, by the way, why do you guys let Frodo go off into Mordor alone with only Sam. No offense, Sam, but you do jack besides swoon over Frodo the entire time."  
  
The Hobbits blinked at me.  
  
"And, Sam, may I ask you a question? Why do you feel the need to procreate so much? I mean, seriously, you could've stopped at 5 or 6 kids and that would've been enough. But no, you make Rosie Cotton pop out 13 babies!"  
  
More blinking from the Hobbits.  
  
"Frodo, on the other hand, never has a single child, and maybe even dies a virgin. Which, by the way, sucks, and I speak from experience."  
  
This time, the entire Fellowship blinked.  
  
"Sorry, wrong fanfic. And, Legolas, Aragorn, seriously. Just make out already. Legolas has been fawning over Strider-boy since Rivendell, and we all know Aragorn has a thing for elves. People talk, guys, and you can't even imagine what they say you should do.. you guys and the hobbits, which is a funny thought."  
  
"Okay, that's it," said Gimli, drawing his axe. "Get out."  
  
"Bu-"  
  
"No, woman, get out of Middle-Earth. Go back to your alternate dimension and never speak of this again."  
  
I sighed, and nodded. "Fine, whatever. Can I-"  
  
"No."  
  
"Bu-"  
  
"No."  
  
"Damn it," I muttered, and turning, wandered back to my bedroom.  
  
"Wow, that was in no way funny,"  
  
  
~*~* A/N: Yea, I know. It wasn't funny. I'm sorry. 


End file.
